Expect the Unexpected When You’re Expecting!

Posted on December 29, 2013 by Andrew Frame

The one thing I have learned from our journey to having a baby is to expect the unexpected when you’re expecting.

Whether it was unexpectedly bad test results, or unexpectedly good results from medication not usually used on men, or even Napier’s maternity unit being closed down within weeks of our due date, you will have all sorts of stuff come at you from every angle imaginable… and then even more from places you never even thought about or knew existed.

So it came as no real surprise that when our baby arrived, there were a few unexpected aspects there too.

On the day before our due date I had gone out to get some Christmas shopping done when my wife called in tears to say her waters had broken. Nothing was wrong; she was just a bit surprised / overwhelmed by it happening so suddenly.

I raced home from the shops and we waited for further things to happen – it can take up to 24 hours from waters breaking to actual birth.

It didn’t take that long.

Within half an hour my wife started having contractions. We had learned these went in stages, starting slowly and becoming quicker and more intense as time went on. We called our midwife, Yoka, who said that’s fine; she will see us in a couple hours. But straight off the bat, our contractions were one minute long and two minutes apart. This went on for about half an hour before we called her again, my wife saying she felt like she needed to push. Yoka came over immediately and checked the level of dilation (2-3cm = hours away, 10cm = hello, baby!) My wife was at 9cm. Holy crap.

Our midwife gave us the option of going to Napier’s Wellesley Road Maternity Unit (where we had planned to have the baby), or having a home birth. I started closing up the house to leave and texted my mother-in-law to meet us at Wellesley Road, but the pain was too much for my wife to move off the bed. We were having a home birth whether we liked it or not!

Yoka told me to ring an ambulance, just as a back-up in case anything went wrong, while my wife started the huffing, puffing and pushing (with surprisingly no swearing whatsoever – wouldn’t have blamed her if she had, of course) that makes up labour.

Having been suddenly diverted by another text message and possibly infringing on a few road rules, Mother-in-law arrived more flustered than we were and Yoka gave her tasks to do like heating towels in the oven (this is actually a thing – I had thought it was just something they did to keep the Dads out of the way) and boiling water to sterilise bits and pieces, while I stayed with my wife, holding her hand and encouraging her (because all first-time dads are experts in this?).

The Ambulance crew arrived next, one officer coming into the bedroom where we were and the other staying in the hallway. They said they couldn’t believe how calm we were – usually they arrive and it’s too late – the baby has already arrived, or too early and everyone is in a state of absolute panic. We were just plodding along happily and under control – although my wife did tell me to shut up once when I was chatting with the officer just to pass the time.

Pushing and panting escalated until, a mere three hours after her waters broke, my wife gave birth to our beautiful daughter! Our baby didn’t even cry much – just one “Wah!” then a bit of a look around the room and an expression that pretty much said “Ok, I’ve got this!”

All the struggles and stresses of the past years were gone and forgotten and here we had before us this perfect (albeit a bit bloody and gunky at the time) little baby – Our own sentient being to look after and love for the rest of our lives (no pressure, eh?)

The day after our baby was born, my parents came to visit their new, first, grandchild. As they were leaving I caught my own reflection in the window of their car. “Huh!” I thought, “That’s what a father looks like!” “Suck in that chest, soldier, you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you!”

It’s almost a month since that day – one of the longest, poopiest, cry and scream-filled, sleep-deprived months of our lives, but we wouldn’t have it any other way. We have a baby and she’s beautiful (and quite smart too).

Life is good.

We are a family!

Tie(rd) of Petty Political Distractions

Posted on December 2, 2013 by Andrew Frame

Question: Does it truly matter if a City / Regional / District councillor wears a tie or not?

Answer: No!

Hawke’s Bay’s local authorities saw reasonable levels of change thanks to the recent elections. Not great, but reasonable.

Voters elected new councillors who they hoped would ‘stick their necks out’ on issues, rather than leave them as the last thing the public saw just above the sand (or other orifaces).

They voted in people whose necks could look left and right to see both sides of an issue. Look forwards to guide us into the future and backwards to help us avoid repeating the mistakes of the past, rather than staring in the same old direction that habit, instruction or sycophancy had seized their predecessors’.

So why has such a big deal being made in local media about what three male regional councillors do or do not place around their aforementioned cervical appendage?

I don’t care what our councillors wear or how they wear it. I care about what they DO as councillors for my city and for my region.

The publicised actions, attitude and decisions of Regional Council Chairman Wilson over recent years have given me little reason to have any faith in him as a representative of the Hawke’s Bay region, let alone as any form of men’s style guru. He should leave that to the experts – Chairman Ralph Lauren and Councillor Tom Ford, perhaps.

I wish the likes of Hawke’s Bay Today would get their focus and reporting back on the matters that have an actual bearing on the present and future of our great region.

Far bigger, more important issues currently hang around Hawke’s Bay’s neck!

No More Babies for Napier?

Posted on November 22, 2013 by Andrew Frame

From the middle of December 2013, Napier’s population will cease to grow organically. You may be “Napier bred”, but you won’t be “Napier born” – because Napier Medical Centre’s maternity wing is closing.

If you are expecting a Christmas baby and were wanting to have your birth in Napier – even if your name is Mary and your partner’s name is Joseph, there will be no room at the Inn.

For those of you who follow my blog, you will know this is of particular interest to me, as my wife and I are expecting our first child very soon. It looks like our baby may be one of the last to be born in a Napier maternity facility.

I had heard a murmuring from a fellow expectant parent and went investigating. HBDHB staff would, naturally, not reveal anything to a mere member of the public like me, but a medical source confirmed to me that the maternity side of the Napier Health Centre would close around the second week of December. That’s pretty short notice and even worse news if you are well into your pregnancy and wanting to have your child in Napier like generations before. If you want our gorgeous hometown on your child’s birth certificate, you may have to look at having a home birth.

The closure of Napier’s maternity wing, and indeed the whole Napier Health Centre has been bandied around for some time. Now it looks like they are becoming, at least in part, a reality.

It’s claimed more Hawke’s Bay women have been choosing to have their children at Ata Rangi (Hastings / Hawke’s Bay Hospital’s maternity unit). But it appears not many people know Napier actually had its own maternity facility!

With over 2000 births per year in Hawke’s Bay (that’s five births every day of the year), we surely need all the beds and maternity services we can get. So why close one?

Hastings’ maternity unit often runs out of room and will move Napier mums and their newborn babies to the Napier Health Centre to free up space. So what happens without this back up come January?

With so many births, new mums we have talked to who gave birth to in Hastings say they often felt shunted around and put through the system as fast as economically possible.

I call it being “Hatched, matched and dispatched.”

A woman we attended antenatal classes with was looking at having her baby at the Napier Medical Centre, as her mother had experienced very short labours – between half an hour and 15 minutes from “whoa to go” (or from “go to ‘Waaaah’!” technically) and there was concern she would have the same issue. Without facilities in Napier, what will happen in cases like hers? A birth certificate that reads “Born: Meeanee Over-bridge”?

Is it acceptable? HELL NO! So what can we do?

Protest! Make some noise! Vent your spleen!

Our local MPs, Chris Tremain and Craig Foss constantly claim to be “Backing the Bay”, but seem timid and sycophantic to the will of their party masters on big, local issues (can you say “Napier-Gisborne rail line”, “Amalgamation”, or “Ruataniwha Dam”?) Email or ring them. Call them out and challenge them to actually do something and “back the Bay’s babies” on this one. Chris was born in Napier, by the way, so why can’t your child be?

Minister of Health, Tony Ryall may even be worth a tune-up.

If the Right side of the political ledger fails to do anything (and I’m not holding my breath), Stuart Nash seems to have Napier’s best interests at heart and a determination to see them through.

Write, text or ring the Hawke’s Bay Today (who I hoped would have been onto this sooner), or the Dominion Post / Hawke’s Bay Sun (email: news@dompost.co.nz Hastings ph: 870-7802; Napier: ph 834-3700) – Where local news fails, national attention can work wonders!

This is utterly unacceptable and should not be allowed to happen!

This is not parochialism – it’s civic pride!

I love Napier more than I could ever hope to fully articulate. It is my place of birth and my home. I see no credible reason why others won’t have the chance to say “I’m Napier BORN and bred!”

A Month of Fun-Days!

Posted on November 14, 2013 by Andrew Frame

Looks a bit quiet, eh?

#GigatownNapier needs some giddy-up!

Inner-city Napier sadly lacks activity and public events. There is a citywide sale in the slowest, coldest time of the retail year, one day of the year when you’re supposed to be randomly kind to one-another (just one?) and a prolonged picnic on Napier’s Marine Parade, which draws people to the CBD’s periphery, away from the retailers and taking custom away from its own cafes.

Cumulatively it amounts to just over a dozen days of activities, covering less than 5{3919f50c199a8627c147b24d329ff0de8aa05e3a462fa3330e11cd9ea56ed948} of the year.

The CBD marketing association ladies will claim that it costs a lot (of council / retailer funding) to run their organizations and provide the same handful of events each year. But you’ve got to admit, the region’s central city businesses don’t appear to be getting much bang for their buck and our CBD needs both bang and buck urgently!

I get sick of cost being an excuse for inactivity. What about passion, creativity and imagination? Just use Youtube as an example. A couple of people with an idea and a camera can create something for nothing that millions of people around the world can view, enjoy or be inspired by.

Last year I took to Twitter with some ideas for getting action back into Napier’s CBD. We need preferably free (or very cheap) events that both enliven Napier’s city centre and encourage more spending. I tried to think outside the square as much as possible and involve local organizations, schools, groups etc. or develop ideas that involve partnerships with local or national companies giving them event naming rights in return for their logistical or financial input and the subsequent advertising.

The companies I mention below are mentioned merely a guideline – they are ones that I follow or vice versa on Twitter. As is the order of events – I started from a Monday and went from there.

Week 1: Your Brand Here!

#1: More FM Monday: Live broadcasts, sausage sizzles, fun & games with the local radio station!

#2: Hawke’s Bay Today Tuesday: Special feature section on Central Napier: History, Then and Now pictorials, stories etc. in the paper with perhaps a pull-out coupon selection for CDB businesses combined with displays throughout town, public interactivity with editors, reporters etc.!

#3: Whittaker’s Wide & Walk to Work Wednesday: Leave the car at home, ride or walk to work and get rewarded with CHOCOLATE!

#4: TV Thursday: New Zealand TV networks love doing live crosses, so the networks can broadcast their breakfast shows from Napier! Imagine TV One’s Breakfast broadcast from cafés and shops throughout Emerson Street, or TV3’s Firstline being presented from the balcony of ‘The Dome’ with the sun rising over Hawke Bay and Marine Parade behind it!

#5: Thank Grabaseat it’s Friday: Air NZ (who, let’s face it haven’t been the most generous to Hawke’s Bay in terms of flight prices) discounts their airfares to our region; Napier puts on a city-wide party to celebrate, attract and welcome the visitors!

#6: Suzuki Swift Saturday: BMW is launching its latest X5 in Napier next week, which is pretty awesome. So why not other marques? The Suzuki Swift has become the small car of choice in NZ for quick, stylie, around-town commuting. So why not launch their next generation car in a stylie city centre like Napier?

#7: Subway Soundshell Sessions: Free / gold coin donation to see live music at the Soundshell!

Week 2: Community Involvement!

#8: Musical Monday: Buskers & school bands / orchestras play throughout Napier’s CBD! I have had a concept in my head for some time of a combined Napier high schools orchestra / band / choir / variety show at the Municipal Theatre that this could tie in with.

#9: It Takes Two to Tango Tuesday: Cafes & shops open onto the street to music & dancing lessons / demonstrations!

#10: Awareness Wednesday: Napier’s community groups, clubs, etc. stage an outdoor expo along the paved areas of Emerson and Market Street. Raising awareness of what can be done in and for this beautiful city!

#11: Theatrical Thursday: Schools and local theatre groups take to the streets to perform!

#12: Fashion Friday: Napier’s clothing stores host a combined fashion parade and use Emerson Street as the catwalk! EIT fashion / theatre / media students can assist in the production, aiding their studies!

#13: School’s Out Saturday: Activities specials & events for the young ones throughout town!

#14: Sport Hawke’s Bay Sundays: Plenty of green grass along Marine Parade and empty spaces not being used, so let’s use it for interactive sport demonstrations!

Multi-Media Week

#15: Make Some News Monday: Hawke’s Bay Today, the Dominion Post etc. open up to Napier people for them to submit their CBD stories & pics. (Also gives any thin editions a bit more bulk!)

#16: Twitter Tuesday: Encourage the public to utilise the CBD’s free Wifi coverage by sending Tweets, pictures & video broadcasting Napier to the Twitterverse! Get #Napier trending internationally on Twitter!

#17: Wifi Wednesday: Encourage the city’s people and businesses out onto the streets with the CBD’s free Wifi network!

#18: Youtube Thursday: Expose the world-wide interweb to virtual guided tours of Napier people’s favourite places and things? Create some interest and make people want to visit and check them out for themselves!

#19: Facebook Friday: Encourage the public to utilise the CBD’s free Wifi coverage by sending pictures & video broadcasting Napier onto Facebook! Get #Napier trending internationally!

#20: Snapshot Saturday: Post pics of central Napier onto sites such as Flickr, Instagram and Pintrest. Prizes for the most “liked” or creative photos!

#21: Open-air Cinema Sunday: The Soundshell doubles as an outdoor cinema for the evening!

Commercial Week

#22: Makeover Monday: Central Napier’s proliferation of women’s clothing stores, hairdressers, beauty therapists and masseuses take the fore to make Napier people look and feel wonderful!

#23: Tax-free Tuesday: A city-wide 15{3919f50c199a8627c147b24d329ff0de8aa05e3a462fa3330e11cd9ea56ed948} off Sale!

#24: Midweek Market Wednesday: Napier’s Farmers’ Market comes to town a few days early in the evening, while Inner-city shops have stalls outside during the day.

#25: Themed Thursday: City-wide storefront displays and promotions based around an event or a local / visiting national sporting team etc. Public votes on best display, specials on anything black and white (for a Magpies theme)!

#26: Alfresco Feast Friday: For an evening Emerson Street becomes Napier’s biggest outdoor restaurant, as the CBD’s eateries put on an outdoor serving to put the “Great Long Lunch” to shame!

#27: Special Someone Saturday: Treat your special someone to breakfast, shopping & more! Spend $20 or more in a store city-wide to be in the draw to win a night at The Dome / County Hotel etc.!

#28: Slow, Summery Sunday: Take a stroll through town, have a shop, have some lunch at a café and then wander up to the parade for a leisurely walk, or relaxed concert at the Soundshell!

“If All Else Fails” Week

#29: Music Video Monday: Why has Napier never featured in a music video? Let’s make one!
If No bands are forthcoming, then it could become “Manufactured Pop Monday”, evolving into a reality TV series featuring a search for local talent. How could NZ on Air refuse to fund it?

#30: Tug of War Tuesday: With so much rhetoric and spin over the amalgamation debate, let’s settle it the old fashioned way – a NCC vs. HDC / HBRC / WDC / CHBC / A Better Hawke’s Bay tug of war down Emerson Street. Winner takes all (or status quo)!

#31: “Wipe-out” Wednesday: Create a fun, crazy obstacle course in Emerson Street and invite people, individuals, companies and schools to take it on!

There are my ideas. What do you think?
• A month FULL of activities?
• 31 weeks with one event per week?
• Or can central Napier stay alive with the weak pulse and mere 5{3919f50c199a8627c147b24d329ff0de8aa05e3a462fa3330e11cd9ea56ed948} activity it currently exhibits.

Incidentally, the earliest chance of doing all the events, in order, would be September or December 2014, whose 31 days start on a Monday.

But why wait? I love my city and want to see it busy and prosperous.

Let’s get these ideas into fruition NOW!

Mission the Mark Again

Posted on November 13, 2013 by Andrew Frame

If it was a joke, it would start with “Hey, Mission Concert, the nineties called!” And that’s how we got this year’s “big”, “surprise” acts.

Each member of the “UK Invasion Party” (they’ve already had to do an emergency rebranding – see below), comprising of Ronan Keating, Melanie C of the Spice Girls, Billy Ocean, Leo Sayer and Sharon Corr of the Corrs will perform for around 20 minutes at Mission Concert in February next year.

It all sounds pretty luke-warm to me:
Ronan Keating is ok, but his recent gigs on “reality” singing shows have diluted his credibility for me.
‘Sporty Spice’ was, at least, one of the Spice Girls who could actually sing (lord help our ears if they’d snared Victoria Beckham!)
Sharon Corr was the violinist, back-up singer and 1/3rd of the ¾ sensationally attractive (sorry Brother Corr) siblings that made up “The Corrs”.
Billy Ocean got out of my ears, into his car and drove off into the sunset years ago.
And I had to Google “Leo Sayer” before I could even recognise any of his songs.

As is the way with this age of technology, I immediately jumped online to gauge reaction to the announcement

The Hawke’s Bay Today website’s announcement was a bit drab and “regurgitated press release-ish”, but the comments section was, as always, good for a laugh.

I get very amused by comments vilifying or “knocking” the “knockers.” Everyone is entitled to their opinion. So what is wrong with someone voicing their displeasure at what they consider is another sub-standard Mission line-up?

Hawke’s Bay Today has done a better job of getting wider opinions this year.

Finding a terribly amateur mistake (organisers failed to recognise that Keating and Corr are from the Republic of Ireland and Ocean was born in the Caribbean – not the “United Kingdom” and a very quick way to get into a fight apparently) in Mission Concert organisers’ marketing (or proof-reading / sub-editing) restored a bit of my faith in balanced journalism too.

Getting the basics wrong this year isn’t a Mission Concert first, after a series of wine bottles were printed up for Eric Clapton’s (a recovering alcoholic) show six years ago.

A truer litmus test is the reactions from a wider audience – tourists who come from out of town for Napier’s events, the likes of these Stuff.co.nz commenters.

Online reactions did bring up a very good point.

When Dame Kiri Te Kanawa performed at the inaugural Mission Concert in 1993, it was new, special and spectacular. It set a standard that many other wineries and venues followed.

Now virtually every winery and its dog stages “Mission-esque” concerts and events each year. Many smaller, newer vineyards, parks and venues attract much more up-to-date acts than the Mission has over its 20 year history. Meanwhile Mission acts seem, with a few exceptions, to be getting older and less recognised.

After a spate of less than impressive acts in recent years, Napier’s Mission Concert was becoming more unflatteringly recognised for its drinking and related less-than-world-class attendee behaviour. They could have released DVDs of the concerts under the brand “Baby-Boomers Gone Wild” or the like, but I don’t think sales would have been too flash.

After starting with a hiss and a roar (or rather, a Soprano and some very high notes) two decades ago it feels like the quality of Mission Concerts has dawdled off a bit. Organisers have either lost interest, or lost the plot as to what our gorgeous venue and city deserves.

We are constantly told what a modern and vibrant city Napier is and how “world class” the Mission Concert is supposed to be. But for the same price as a Mission Concert ticket, you can see the likes of Beyonce, Taylor Swift or U2. All massive draw-cards, so why waste your time or money on anything less?

Surely if the Mission Concert is such a “World class” event, it deserves world class acts – as in the biggest artists RIGHT NOW, rather than largely forgotten acts from decades ago.

The Mission, Napier and its visitors deserve far better than what they are currently getting.

Delightful, Delicious Diwali!

Posted on October 15, 2013 by Andrew Frame

Diwali , or the “Festival of Lights” is an Indian festival celebrating the triumph of good over evil, light over darkness. Hawke’s Bay’s Indian community has been celebrating it at Napier’s Sound Shell for several years now.

It’s a free event and has a great, friendly, family atmosphere that easily attracts hundreds and hundreds of people – young and old of all ethnicities each year. It’s the sort of event that Napier has been so sadly missing out on in recent years.

There’s dancing, great music (so good, you’ll probably recognize riffs and beats that most main-stream rap musicians have flogged and hoped no-one (aside from maybe one billion Indians) would notice) and FOOD!

Lots and lots of delicious samosas, satays and curries are served from a number of stalls. This year Napier’s Indigo Restaurant, had the consistently longest queue.

It took about half an hour to reach the business-end of dinner, but when you got there it was certainly worth it – $10 for a traditional Indian meal in such a great open-air environment with free entertainment! Try and beat that, “Great Long Lunch”!

I happened to see Napier’s Inner City Marketing Manager at the event. I certainly hope she was taking notes, because NICM could learn a heck of a lot from a great family festival like this. Napier needs and deserves a lot more like it!

Dickensian Dickens Street

Posted on October 14, 2013 by Andrew Frame

What Would Charles Dickens Make of the Napier Street named after him?

Is Napier’s Dickens Street becoming literally more and more Dickensian?

There were Great Expectations for Dickens Street after its revitalisation a few years ago, but it appears to be going through some Hard Times.

At its Hastings Street end we have a noisy, smelly and dusty industrial revolution of construction and destruction.

At the other end we have the squalor of the still half-empty and abandoned Mid City Plaza – a Bleak House going mouldy on the outside and crumbling inside, while across the road a store sells “legal” highs to local street urchins.

Now I see a giant “$2 Shop”-type store opening in the middle of Dickens Street (there are already around three such stores in close proximity).

This is no Old Curiosity Shop – rather an immense purveyor of too-cheap goods – the sort poor little Oliver Twist had to make for a pittance.

Another of these ‘bargain’ stores is not encouraging for central Napier’s growth, retail quality or the region’s reputation for low wages. You have to wonder who let it get in this state?

With festive season fast approaching, we can only hope those letting our CBD down hear an inspirational Christmas Carol or have a life-changing dream and stop being such Scrooges!

Who’s Your Daddy? Part Three

Posted on October 6, 2013 by Andrew Frame

IVF treatment is largely female-centric. For several months the woman has to take oral medication, inject herself daily (twice daily for one stage) and be generally poked, prodded and scanned. Not the most pleasant of experiences at a time when some major internal chemistry is going on.

All the man can do is be supportive and try not to aggravate or get in the way of his partner (any male reading this will know that is almost completely impossible at the best of times).

Have I stated yet just how much I love my wife for going through this with me? Throughout this whole process she has been so strong, brave and positive, especially when it came to things like self-injections. I hate needles.

Timing is very important and certain things have to be done at certain times. Everything is monitored and regulated. When you get the call that you have to be in Wellington the next day for a scan or egg collection, then you HAVE to be there.

That is what happened to us. My wife went for a routine test on a Friday and we got a call that afternoon that we had to be in Wellington on Saturday morning for a scan and possibly the business-end of proceedings. Cue a 400km evening sprint.

The next day revealed that things were on track and we would have another scan on Monday and work from there. We ended up spending almost a week in Wellington (there are a phenomenal number things you can do for free or next to nothing there, by the way), culminating in the collection of the eggs my wife’s treatment had generated and a sample from yours truly with more than enough swimmers to fertilize the eggs.

We returned home the next day and got a call to say that almost all of the eggs (there were well over a dozen – no pun intended) had fertilised (YAY!) That may sound like a very positive result, but as each day passes, the number of eggs that successfully fertilize reduces by roughly half to a third.
We would be looking at hopefully transferring one of these eggs back into where it belonged the following Monday.

A few days later, we were in Wellington again to have our fertilized egg transferred back into more natural surroundings – a much easier and gentler procedure than removing them and we drove home the same day. Now it was a case of sitting and waiting.

The test to see if everything worked is 14 days from the date of transplant. Waiting is the worst part of anything. Your mind plays through every possible option (and a few impossible ones, just to keep you awake at night) elation, despair, uncertainty, will it, won’t it? After managing to put it to the back of our minds for the most part for 14 days, my wife went for her pregnancy test in the morning and I arrived home from work that afternoon to wait with her to find out the results. I felt literally sick with anticipation.

We were sitting on the couch when the phone went. My wife answered it, but held the phone so I could hear it too. The test results were in and…..

WE WERE PREGNANT!!!

All that time, all the pills, the injections, the sharp bits in tender areas, the hugs, the tears, thousands of kilometres and similar amounts in travel expenses suddenly evaporated in comparison. From odds of zero to a very definite one, something that had seemed heartbreakingly impossible two years earlier had been turned on its head and was now very much a reality.

As I write this we are seven months into our pregnancy. Everything is about numbers once again: two months / 8 weeks / 56 days remain until we have an actual baby of our own. Someone to look after, love, guide, care for and worry about for the rest of our lives. If anything, it’s scarier than the process we went through to get here. Scans, midwife visits and antenatal classes all help establish things and inform us, but you can’t help but feel that once baby arrives everything will go out the window.

It’s been a massive roller coaster of a ride and the ride is about to get even wilder and longer. Fortunately we have a wonderfully supportive network of family and friends around us. It will be very interesting to see where the next stage takes us. Doubtlessly you will read about it here.

Who’s Your Daddy? Part Two

Posted on October 4, 2013 by Andrew Frame

Fertility is a game of numbers: Sperm counts, cycle lengths, percentages of success. The figures are seldom cheerful. Especially if, like me, you were never a big fan of maths at school:

• All it takes is one sperm to fertilize an egg. A healthy male produces around 400,000,000 sperm each time he.. um… “does his thing” (I’m picking most workplace servers are set to reject posts containing the “E” word) that’s a 0.00000025 percent success rate!

• And even if one little trooper successfully battles his way through to his destination, the egg may not even be there waiting for him to report for duty!

• It is estimated that around one in five couples (that’s a whopping 20 percent now need assistance with reproduction.

• For those going through fertility treatment, the chances of success have massively increased over time with advances in medicine, but they are still not overly great. On the first round of treatment, usually less than half of patients are successful. That steadily increases as rounds increase, but it is still no guarantee of pregnancy. I know several couples who have tried time and time again to no avail.

We had accepted the odds were not in our favour, especially after our initial test results, so when our specialist suggested I try taking a drug called Clomifene it was a case of “why not?”

Clomifene is usually used on women to help with fertility, but there had been cases of it being prescribed to men with positive results. “There is one slight issue” our doctor said. “When you get it from the pharmacy, Andrew, the chemist will look at you strangely and ask if you’re sure it’s for you.” Sure enough, upon placing my order, the pharmacist came around the counter to check that the medicine was in fact for me. “Yes, I’m acting as a medical guinea pig” I said and asked if he knew of any good lettuce suppliers nearby.

Because there are no fertility facilities in Hawke’s Bay, we spent the next few months travelling to and from Wellington a lot. Fortunately it’s one of our favourite cities. We found a very good, affordable central hotel and Wellington quickly became a second home for my wife and I.

One of the fundamentals of fertility treatment involves a room, a man and a plastic container. It’s not the most romantic of settings and the container never buys you dinner afterwards. But it would become a familiar setting. At least they changed the magazines pretty regularly.

Our first trip down provided some success: After 3-6 months of medication THERE WERE SPERM! Ok, so there weren’t many and they weren’t moving, but it was a start. Back home and back to the pills.

Our next visit proved even more fruitful: There were sperm and a few of them were doing laps and lifting weights! Ok, not entirely accurate, but they were moving – we on the right course to possibly getting somewhere. Wellington on a Plate was on at the time, so we treated ourselves at the good news.

The third visit produced even more active swimmers and we were able to start looking at beginning IVF treatment for real. As I said, no guarantee, but so far ahead of where we had been a year or so previously.

Next the roles would be reversed somewhat.