The Hairs on My Chinny-Chin-Chin

Separated at birth? Two fine examples of rugged, antipodean handsomeness! 

Separated at birth? Two fine examples of rugged, antipodean handsomeness! 

What do Hollywood stud muffin, Hugh Jackman and I have in common?

Quite a lot, evidently!

We’re both:
• Fine examples of rugged, antipodean handsomeness.
• Rocking pretty kick-arse beards at the moment.
• And we’ve both been diagnosed with the same type of skin cancer.

Yes, his Wolverine-ness and I have both had “Basel Cell Carsinomas” removed.

But never fear – neither Hugh, nor I will be shuffling off this mortal coil any time soon! BCCs are the most common form of cancer. In terms of skin cancers they are one of the “better ones” (if there is such a thing – sounds like an oxymoron to me) to get and while rarely fatal, do have a nasty habit of spreading and tend to ulcerate their surrounding skin making them quite unsightly in the long-run. So they are still considered “malignant” and best removed as soon as possible.

They are most commonly a result of over exposure to ultra-violet light, making sun-loving Australians like Hugh and cricket playing New Zealanders like myself prime candidates. My surgeon tells me there might also be a fair dose of heredity in contracting them too. Both my Mum and Dad had BCCs removed, so it was only a matter of time before I was next.

Earlier this year Hugh took to social media to encourage others to wear sunscreen and get any dodgy moles checked after he had a second procedure to remove a BCC from his nose.

In a couple weeks’ time I’m going under the knife again, too, to get some more removed. This time from around my face and ear.

It’s one of the reasons I’ve been growing a beard over winter – not to hide them, but because my moles are around my hairline, so I will be undergoing a very severe buzz-cut before surgery and decided to enjoy some facial hirsuteness while I could.

My wife loves my beard, calling it “the least douchey beard I have ever seen” (That IS a compliment… I think…) – she appears to have a pathological hatred of the current “Hipster Beard” trend.

Working in the office of a forestry company, I’ve gone more for the “Full Lumberjack” look. “And I’m OK” with that!

My new cranial aerodynamic-ness will come in handy with the cricket season fast approaching and I won’t have to fuss about with my hair in the morning for about three months. It will, however, also show off the aftermath of surgery rather obviously.

But I will wear my scars with pride. They certainly aren’t my first and won’t be my last. Like the frown and smile lines around my eyes and face, they will show I’ve lived (and will continue to live) a full life. I’m sure Hugh will do exactly the same!

If YOU have any suspiscious moles or spots on you skin, PLEASE see your doctor, or somewhere like Molemap to get them checked out! It may be nothing at all, it may result in a small scar, or it could save your life!

Topp Stuff!

Four years ago, when I was doing the “Man About Town” column for BayBuzz, I interviewed Lynda Topp of the Topp Twins for a tour they were doing.

Well, Lynda and Jools Topp are coming back to Napier this month with a new show “The Grand Ole Topp’ry” paying homage to country music greats and celebrating contemporary Kiwi music, with the Topps’ fantastic style of comedy throughout.

The tour rides into Napier’s Municipal Theatre on 22 October tickets are available from Ticketek

Here’s my interview with Linda again for a bit of a Thursday throw-back!

topps2

Music runs in the blood of many famous New Zealand families. Bic & Boh Runga, Evermore’s Jon, Peter and Dan Hume and Tim & Neil Finn.

Jools and Lynda Topp are no exception. From an early age they were entertainers, performing for family and the animals on their parents’ Huntly farm. Busking to the stage, television to international movie screens, the Topp Twins have become more than just world famous in New Zealand.

They are now world famous in, well, the world. Their documentary feature film “Untouchable Girls – The Movie” has made approximately $2 million in New Zealand theatres, making it the highest selling New Zealand-made documentary ever.

I spoke to Lynda Topp earlier this week in the lead up their performance about their career, characters, fame and the darker side of their performances. The side not all parts of the community are comfortable with. Because Lynda is smitten … with yodeling.

When did you realize you had been bitten by the yodeling bug (or should that be mountain goat)?
From an early age. When I was about nine, I heard “Tinto, Pony and I” sung by June Holmes and that was it.

How did your parents take the news, were they very supportive?
For the first year of practicing, Mum banished me to the paddocks whenever I wanted to yodel. Our neighbours had an old wind-up gramophone and some country music vinyl records. We’d ride our horses down to their place, listen to the music, memorize as much of it as possible and ride back home to grab the guitar (which we weren’t allowed to carry on the horses). We’d play it and write it down, forget a part of it, ride back to the neighbors and so it continued. Seven years later we were good singers and we were excellent horsewomen!

Were you a yodeling child prodigy, or was it something that required a lot of hard toil?
There was a fair bit of work went into it. I didn’t publicly yodel for about six years until I was confident enough to perform. There are three things musically you can perform either brilliantly or do so horribly people will be after your head – bagpipes, the banjo and yodeling. I wanted to make sure I did it well.

I guess “The Sound of Music” would feature as one of your favorite movies thanks to the “Lonely Goatherd”?
No, that was particularly bad yodeling. Too ‘folksy’. Not ‘true’. We do more of a Swiss traditional or Cowboy (which the Americans developed from the Swiss) yodel. It’s one of those movies that get played every year around Christmas, so it gets a bit tiresome. So many of the big musical numbers are, or seem to be, done in one take, though. So from a performance perspective it was very good. In terms of costuming, not so much. Nowhere near enough lederhosen.
(When TV3 played the “Sound of Music” at Christmas, there was a transmission error and over half the movie was played, ironically, without sound!)

Speaking of “The Sound of Music” how do you solve a problem like Maria?
(Laughs) Send her out goat herding for seven or eight months.

What were some of your other musical and character/performance influences?
We grew up listening to country music. “The American Country Top 40″ radio show was a highlight of the week. The music was our inspiration, so we started writing songs very early too. Our driving force is always the music. The Gingham Sisters (a pair of country singing, spoon-playing sisters) were the first characters we came up with; the rest came later for the TV shows to add a bit of depth and comedy.

Two of your characters, “Prue & Dilly” are socialites from Hawke’s Bay. Sort of “Ab’ Fab’” meets CWI. Are they based on anyone we might know?
Our father used to be involved in polo when we were kids and a large proportion of the players came from Hawke’s Bay. So those two are more of a send-up or tribute to the polo ladies we met. They are larger than life party girls.

You should really bring them along to an Art Deco Weekend some time. I’m concerned some of the event goers may not realize they’re fictitious alter egos, though.
We’ve yet to attend an Art Deco Weekend. Prue & Dilly would love to go. They have some art deco pieces in their house and would love to go for a drive in one of the fancy vintage cars.

I remember seeing you perform at an A&P Show here a few years ago. Any fond or standout memories form Hawke’s Bay performances?
The Hawke’s Bay A&P Show always has a great traditional feel about it. A few years ago I got to ride a giant, championship Hereford bull as “Camp Mother” with Jools as “Camp Leader” leading it. I spent the whole time thinking “if this thing so much as flinches, I’m gone!” Our folks live in Hawke’s Bay now too, so we always have a good time when we’re up there.

A lot of people have grown up with you on the TV and in shows. The word “beloved” is often used with your names and you’ve grown quite a legion of fans here and overseas. Do you ever consider yourself ‘famous’?
No, not really. We have a lifestyle block, so we don’t see too many people other than when we’re doing shows or out shopping. If anything, we feel honored. If it weren’t for the fans, we wouldn’t be able to do what we do, so we always try to stop and have a chat, or sign an autograph etc. It’s quite funny; I’ve even had someone call out to me “Hey Ken!” (One of their characters) when I’m in the supermarket and not even in costume!

Is there a question you’ve always wanted to be asked, but never have? If so, what is it?
Yes, the question you just asked me. No one, until now, has asked, “How do you feel about your career?” (Woohoo! An exclusive!”)

What next for the Topp Twins? Politics, global Internet domination perhaps?
We’re going to play at the “Grand Ol’ Opry” in Nashville, Tennessee – that’s been a dream for many years. We’d like to do a ‘movie’ movie, now that the documentary has done so well. Otherwise just enjoying a good lifestyle and making people laugh!

Finally, Barry Manilow sang “I write the songs that make the whole world sing”. If you could write a song to make the whole world sing, what would it be about?
We already have one. It’s called “Untouchable Girls” and it’s become our trademark. We play it as the final song in our performances and for the last five shows we’ve done everyone has stood up at the end and sung it with us. That’s the sort of thing that makes it an honor for us.

“The Grand Ole Topp’ry” rides into Napier’s Municipal Theatre on 22 October tickets are available from Ticketek

“What’s in a (Toy’s) Name?”

"Dog" and... um... "Dog"!

“Dog” and… um… “Dog”!

Like most children, Little Miss Frame has several soft toys, teddy bears etc. – each of which her mum and I have named for ease of memory and identification.

Being children of the 80’s, Mrs F and I were brought up amidst a flood of “branded” toys. “Barbie” was, and will forever be “Barbie”, no matter how many versions of her you have. My GI Joes all have their allotted code-names as per the packaging and Carebears will always be either “Carebear” (as we call the little one we got Miss F), or whatever its model name is – “Fun-shine” “Hugs-a-lot” etc.

The biggest percentage of soft toys my wife and I had, though, avoided mass commercialisation. My wife had (and still has) “Mr Ted” – a teddy bear almost as big as she is now that her father made and “Eric” the troll doll. I had the “Playschool”-influenced, hand-made “Big Ted” and “Little Ted”, as well as “Monks” the monkey and a mini Footrot Flats dog I got for my 7th birthday called, you guessed it, “Dog”!

Like us, 99% of our daughter’s toys are unbranded, hand-made etc., so we had free reign with what we called them. But WHY we named them what we did is half the fun of the exercise.

There’s “George” the pink furry hippo – named after, funnily enough, “George” the pink furry hippo from the 80’s TV series “Rainbow”.

We got a second, smaller hippo for pram travel and naturally we couldn’t have a “George”, without having a “Mildred”!

There’s “Vincent” – the bear with one ear (the other started coming loose and had to be removed for safety reasons).

And “Henrietta” is a small, googly-eyed Giraffe. I have no idea why I called her Henrietta, other than it seemed a fitting name for a giraffe at the time.

These are the names that will stick with our little Miss and her toys for years to come. Hopefully she’ll have fond memories of playing with them and when she has her own children (no pressure – you’re only 9 months old!) she’ll have fun naming their teddies and toys.

What (and why) were YOUR toys names?

Horsepower Needed in Hoofing Berties Buses

I see Napier City Council have decided to divorce their trouble-plagued, ill-conceived Art Deco Buses and sell them after barely a year in service.

They plan to stop the service in May and sell the buses to try and recover some ratepayer money.

I think NCC may have already missed a great opportunity to get the people of Napier a good price for “Bertie and Barb’s Busted Buses” by not hocking them off even earlier than May.

With Hastings’ annual equine event attracting so much publicity, attention and so much money from a very affluent sector of society, surely the last couple of weeks would have been the best time and place to sell vehicles with massive price-tags that are so used to having only a few occupants:

"Where are we going, Wilbur?"

“Where are we going, Wilbur?”

One Little Word

My Dad had a beautiful but. You could hear it coming a mile off.

Yes you read right.

Dad was one of the most considerate, fair people I knew. A side effect of this was he always seemed to see both sides of a problem, so when weighing up pros and cons of an issue or item, he would list all the good aspects, BUT, then list all the negatives.

One little word can make all the difference.

I catch myself using “just” far too much. “I’m just turning off the computer” (after I’ve checked my email, surfed three news sites, updated my Facebook status, sent two tweets and waited for their replies). “I was just about to do that” (after reading my book / playing PlayStation / oh crap, I completely forgot about that, but I’m not going to let on).

Anyone who watches the plethora of police / highway patrol / breath-testing shows will know that “a couple” of drinks never actually means “two” (unless it’s a couple of litre-sized glasses).

Similarly when a girl says “Oh, you’re so sweet, let’s just be friends” she never means she wants to be friends with you, and especially not “friends with benefits.”

(I only learned what that expression meant in the last few years. Up till that point, to me, “friends with benefits” meant my (male) mate had a Sega Master System, and I only had a Commodore 64, but I digress.)

One little word that will get you chucked out of the Frame household faster than anything is “the”. Especially when it is used as the prefix for “Hawke’s Bay”.

To all the reporters, TV weather people, associated media and general public, may I just say this: “THERE IS NO ‘THE’ IN HAWKE’S BAY!” The same goes for Wairarapa, Waikato and Manawatu, but you still see those three little letters creeping in to daily usage.

“The Hutt Valley” in Wellington, by comparison is fine, as it was a valley named after someone named Hutt (sadly, it wasn’t “Jabba the” – I checked)

“The” is what’s known as a definite article, so must refer to, or precede a noun (naming word) i.e.: the cat, the book. “The Hawke’s Bay Hospital” or “the Hawke’s Bay region” is fine, as they describe the Hospital that is located in Hawke’s Bay and the region known as Hawke’s Bay. But describing the region solely as “The Hawke’s Bay” doesn’t work as it doesn’t describe anything – The Hawke’s Bay what? You don’t say “The Auckland”, “The Canterbury” or “The Otago”, do you?

“Aha!” you may say, the big body of water the region semi-surrounds is Hawke’s Bay, isn’t it? Well, no it’s not. To quote Wikipedia: “The bay itself is Hawke Bay, whereas the region which surrounds it bears the bay’s former name, Hawke’s Bay.”

”Hawke Bay” was named by Captain, then Lieutenant, James (as a Star Trek fan, I always want to add a “T” in the middle here) Cook after Sir Edward Hawke, First Lord of the Admiralty, when Cook arrived here in 1769.

And in any case, using correct grammar and “the” would make it “The Bay of Hawke”, just as our nation’s fellow famous bays are named “The Bay of Islands” and “The Bay of Plenty”

So endeth the lesson, dear reader and media-type. There is no such place as “The Hawke’s Bay”. Please stop referring to it as such, or we may exile you to The Chatham Islands!

Why The Warehouse Should Form a Political Party!

I tweeted a thought the other day, wondering if The Warehouse was the Steven Joyce of NZ retail. The Warehouse tweeted back asking what did I mean (awkward!), so I explained that Mr Joyce is considered the “Minister of Everything” for his many and varied portfolios and general “Mr Fix it” role in government and that the Warehouse is the “Retailer of Everything” selling CDs, books, toys, clothes, appliances, plants, food, etc. etc. etc. The Warehouse tweeter seemed happy with my explanation and NZ blogging and Twitter icon Moata Tamaira opined to me, “If only The Warehouse could go into politics.” “Hmmm,” I thought, why not?

Think about it – The Warehouse would be the perfect political party. Its red branding, egalitarian “Where EVERYONE gets a bargain” slogan and work in the community would appeal to socially minded voters, while its massive retailing empire, overseas trading ability and the sheer volume of money that flows through the company (the amount of GST they accumulate each year must be staggering) would appeal to those of a more capitalistic bend.

Too often politicians are criticised for “not living in the real world”, well the Warehouse is certainly part of the real world and has become such a feature of everyday life for New Zealanders that it would be the perfect interface between politics and the public. Go in store to buy a new pair of pants and pick up some shares in a state-owned power company at the same time (Note: I do not know what The Warehouse’s stance is on asset sales, I’m just using it as an example). Buy a DVD and you could also file your tax return at the checkout. Purchase some oil for your car and pay the registration at the same time. Brilliant, eh? Need to talk to your local member for parliament? Look no further than the information kiosk, or attending to the clean up in aisle four – in the Warehouse Political Party “public service” really does mean serving the public!

As Peter Dunne’s (499 people formerly known as) United Future discovered, politics is all about support and membership. This is from where the term “card carrying member” originates. The Warehouse already has financial contributors in the millions. Every day thousands of New Zealanders shop there, that’s a lot of grassroots support. Want to join the Warehouse Political Party? If you have a Warehouse store credit card, you could already be a member!

So there you go. It’s a little over a year to the next general election, the current mob in parliament (on both sides of the chamber) don’t seem to be making any new friends, or keeping many old ones and a gap has opened up with United Future ceasing to have an actual future, or a present for that matter, so it would be the perfect time for a new party to sweep into power and who better to do it than The Warehouse?

Where in the World is Z Kennedy Road?

I’m a little geographically confused. I regularly get my petrol from Z Kennedy Road in Napier. With a name like “Z Kennedy Road” you would think it would be located on, well, Kennedy Road, right?

Wrong!

Napier’s Kennedy Road starts at the lights where Wellesley Road bisects it, about 50 meters from the central city service station, which is physically located on the corner of Station Street and Tennyson Street (which ends at the same Wellesley Road corner).

But the confusion doesn’t end there – I was having a look at the till receipt from a recent petrol purchase and noticed it lists Z Kennedy Road’s address as “256 Dickens Street”. This would put it across Station Street and somewhere in the middle of the Countdown Napier supermarket’s car park!

And let’s not even go into why there are TWO Countdown Supermarkets in Napier opposite it!

With such geographic bamboozlement, uncertainty and inaccuracy, perhaps the people of Napier could claim Z Kennedy Road as a sovereign territory, surely the world’s smallest (look out Vatican City!)?

It could be a very affluent nation – I hear there’s a very good chance of finding rich petroleum reserves not too far underground (that’s if we decided to drill).

International relations, too, would be a strong feature of our new nation’s economy, with the neighboring ‘Kingdom of Burger’ and plentiful food sources nearby in The Duchy of Pak n’ Save.

Backing onto the Napier – Gisborne rail line, the “Napier Peoples’ Republic of Z Kennedy Road” (a bit of a mouthful, admittedly) could conceivably claim that too, as recent New Zealand governments certainly didn’t seem to want to operate the nation’s rail lines, or look after the regions.

So if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the United Nations to lay our claim.

All we need now is a flag and national anthem.

Any ideas?

Pay no Attention to the Giant Man in the Pink Tutu.

It all started with a Tweet.

About a year ago, on my early morning walk to the bus I catch to work, anybody driving past would have thought I was either ballet dancing, or having some form of seizure.

It had rained the night before, and the footpath was littered with snails scrambling (or, at least moving as fast as snails can) for higher, drier ground. I, in turn, was trying to avoid stepping on any of them. Not because I’m overly environmentally minded, but thinking more along the lines of Karma – If I was a snail just out for a wander, minding my own snaily business, I’d feel very put out if some giant, inattentive biped was to step on and squish me, so I was doing my best to avoid any casualties.

As I side-stepped (and occasionally pirouetted) I realised how odd this must look to any passing observer and once I was out of the escargot minefield and on the bus, I tweeted about my experience and what it must have looked like.

Chel Adams, who runs Aurum Coffee in Hastings replied later saying she would pay good money (or coffee) too see me doing that in a pink tutu. Now one thing you don’t do with me is joke about free food, as I take food (especially the free variety) very seriously, so the challenge was on!

Over the months, the wager grew to coffee AND cheesecake, but time and money were not on my side, sadly and the bet lay dormant (albeit with constant reminders from a growing group of Twitter friends) for some time until the stars aligned last month. I managed to find a pink tutu that actually fit me almost perfectly (a hard ask, considering I’m 6’8” tall guy) from the Napier Operatic Society’s Tabbard Costume Hire and on a chilly Thursday, I made my way, tutu and all, to Aurum Coffee in Heretaunga Street East to make Chel’s day:

Was it worth it? Absolutely! Chel was kind enough (in between fits of laughter) to give me more coffee and cheesecake than I could have hoped for and I even helped out behind the counter making coffees for some very bemused looking customers. Would I do it again? I don’t know, but apparently Chel has plans for various costumes and me.

This could require a lot more food and possibly alcohol…

Something to Keep You Warm on a Cold Winter’s Night

The following was a winner in The Edge’s “Forbidden Fiction” competition last year. Quite possibly the only time I’ve received money for my writing!

“The Sexiest Thing a Man Can Do”

Angela had been waiting an excruciatingly long time for this day to arrive. Now, finally, it was here and with the wind moaning and the rain pounding on the windows, their small cabin’s open fire cast a sensual warmth over the two of them.

Brad stood before her, shirtless. The firelight flickered, highlighting the subtler details of his finely toned body.
He poured her a glass of red wine “Where would you like me to start?” he asked. A seductively raised eyebrow and mischievous grin curled the corners of his alluring lips.
She told him and with a chivalrous bow he set about his task.

His big, powerful hands were suppler than she remembered, gliding gently over every curve. His palms tenderly massaged, kneaded and rubbed.
His fingers nimbly navigated the more intimate places his palms could not. Darting this way and that, a firm flick of the thumb here, the tantalising caress of a moistened fingertip there.

Brad’s pace quickened. Sweat started glistening on his broad shoulders and bulging biceps. The windows started to steam up from his exertion.
Flushed with the wine’s warming glow, Angela’s arousal increased to the point that she let out an excited giggle.

Brad turned, looked lovingly into Angela’s eyes and said, “Right, so that’s the dishes done! What’s next?”

“The sexiest thing a man can do is the dishes” – Rachael Ray