Where in the World is Z Kennedy Road?

Posted on June 5, 2013 by Andrew Frame

I’m a little geographically confused. I regularly get my petrol from Z Kennedy Road in Napier. With a name like “Z Kennedy Road” you would think it would be located on, well, Kennedy Road, right?

Wrong!

Napier’s Kennedy Road starts at the lights where Wellesley Road bisects it, about 50 meters from the central city service station, which is physically located on the corner of Station Street and Tennyson Street (which ends at the same Wellesley Road corner).

But the confusion doesn’t end there – I was having a look at the till receipt from a recent petrol purchase and noticed it lists Z Kennedy Road’s address as “256 Dickens Street”. This would put it across Station Street and somewhere in the middle of the Countdown Napier supermarket’s car park!

And let’s not even go into why there are TWO Countdown Supermarkets in Napier opposite it!

With such geographic bamboozlement, uncertainty and inaccuracy, perhaps the people of Napier could claim Z Kennedy Road as a sovereign territory, surely the world’s smallest (look out Vatican City!)?

It could be a very affluent nation – I hear there’s a very good chance of finding rich petroleum reserves not too far underground (that’s if we decided to drill).

International relations, too, would be a strong feature of our new nation’s economy, with the neighboring ‘Kingdom of Burger’ and plentiful food sources nearby in The Duchy of Pak n’ Save.

Backing onto the Napier – Gisborne rail line, the “Napier Peoples’ Republic of Z Kennedy Road” (a bit of a mouthful, admittedly) could conceivably claim that too, as recent New Zealand governments certainly didn’t seem to want to operate the nation’s rail lines, or look after the regions.

So if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the United Nations to lay our claim.

All we need now is a flag and national anthem.

Any ideas?

Pay no Attention to the Giant Man in the Pink Tutu.

Posted on June 5, 2013 by Andrew Frame

It all started with a Tweet.

About a year ago, on my early morning walk to the bus I catch to work, anybody driving past would have thought I was either ballet dancing, or having some form of seizure.

It had rained the night before, and the footpath was littered with snails scrambling (or, at least moving as fast as snails can) for higher, drier ground. I, in turn, was trying to avoid stepping on any of them. Not because I’m overly environmentally minded, but thinking more along the lines of Karma – If I was a snail just out for a wander, minding my own snaily business, I’d feel very put out if some giant, inattentive biped was to step on and squish me, so I was doing my best to avoid any casualties.

As I side-stepped (and occasionally pirouetted) I realised how odd this must look to any passing observer and once I was out of the escargot minefield and on the bus, I tweeted about my experience and what it must have looked like.

Chel Adams, who runs Aurum Coffee in Hastings replied later saying she would pay good money (or coffee) too see me doing that in a pink tutu. Now one thing you don’t do with me is joke about free food, as I take food (especially the free variety) very seriously, so the challenge was on!

Over the months, the wager grew to coffee AND cheesecake, but time and money were not on my side, sadly and the bet lay dormant (albeit with constant reminders from a growing group of Twitter friends) for some time until the stars aligned last month. I managed to find a pink tutu that actually fit me almost perfectly (a hard ask, considering I’m 6’8” tall guy) from the Napier Operatic Society’s Tabbard Costume Hire and on a chilly Thursday, I made my way, tutu and all, to Aurum Coffee in Heretaunga Street East to make Chel’s day:

Was it worth it? Absolutely! Chel was kind enough (in between fits of laughter) to give me more coffee and cheesecake than I could have hoped for and I even helped out behind the counter making coffees for some very bemused looking customers. Would I do it again? I don’t know, but apparently Chel has plans for various costumes and me.

This could require a lot more food and possibly alcohol…

Something to Keep You Warm on a Cold Winter’s Night

Posted on May 30, 2013 by Andrew Frame

The following was a winner in The Edge’s “Forbidden Fiction” competition last year. Quite possibly the only time I’ve received money for my writing!

“The Sexiest Thing a Man Can Do”

Angela had been waiting an excruciatingly long time for this day to arrive. Now, finally, it was here and with the wind moaning and the rain pounding on the windows, their small cabin’s open fire cast a sensual warmth over the two of them.

Brad stood before her, shirtless. The firelight flickered, highlighting the subtler details of his finely toned body.
He poured her a glass of red wine “Where would you like me to start?” he asked. A seductively raised eyebrow and mischievous grin curled the corners of his alluring lips.
She told him and with a chivalrous bow he set about his task.

His big, powerful hands were suppler than she remembered, gliding gently over every curve. His palms tenderly massaged, kneaded and rubbed.
His fingers nimbly navigated the more intimate places his palms could not. Darting this way and that, a firm flick of the thumb here, the tantalising caress of a moistened fingertip there.

Brad’s pace quickened. Sweat started glistening on his broad shoulders and bulging biceps. The windows started to steam up from his exertion.
Flushed with the wine’s warming glow, Angela’s arousal increased to the point that she let out an excited giggle.

Brad turned, looked lovingly into Angela’s eyes and said, “Right, so that’s the dishes done! What’s next?”

“The sexiest thing a man can do is the dishes” – Rachael Ray

Reading the Signs

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Andrew Frame

We are constantly bombarded by road safety messages throughout media and along the nation’s highways and by-ways: “Make it click”, “If you drink and drive you’re a bloody idiot”, “100km/hr. – it’s a limit, not a target”, “Merge like a zip”. But despite these messages, Hawke’s Bay has seen an alarming spate of serious and fatal car crashes recently, especially along seemingly harmless, long, straight, wide pieces of road like the Hastings to HB Airport expressway. Why are people still making these same mistakes when they are constantly reminded of the hazards and what to do? It makes me think there might be a less obvious, yet more serious problem, to go along with speeding and drink-driving, that no amount of signage can cure – illiteracy.
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The Kids Aren’t All Right

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Andrew Frame

Attending to the needs of the younger members of its population is all too often overlooked by local and national governments around the world. In the local case of youth and city councils, this appears to certainly be one thing Hastings does better than Napier.

I was a member of the “Napier City Council Youth Forum” in 1995 – a collection of senior students from all Napier’s High Schools and EIT. We got together once a month to discuss the issues facing
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The Colour of Hawke’s Bay

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Andrew Frame

Some New Zealand bays are full of islands,

Others are plentiful.

But no bay has more color than Hawke’s Bay!

It should come as no surprise, from a place whose rugby team wears the opposite spectrums of magpie black and white.

Majestic Hawke Bay ocean hues: turquoise to navy, cold, hard grays to soft, saline foamy whites.

The lush, fruitful Heretaunga Plains – braeburn red and packham green.

Vineyard covered hills, bleached chardonnay by the summer sun, slowly turning pinot noir in the long evening light.
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